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  1. Confused

    Wind WindXSaul

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    The Ties That Bind Sever Time


    This time and that time and more then once our blood was a code and not it lost the times have changed the earth reshape the hearts redone and the minds have escaped.The love we shared the time we had together where has it lead where has it gone and can it be rebuilt? Life is a bridge you must build yourself no one can help you and must have the tool for the things you need you must have the food to keep your strength up and you must have your mind set on where you want to go.If you built a bridge your going straight if your digging a hold your grave if you built a skyscraper your going up.But what happen when the ones we held dear no longer are close the ones who opinions hurt the most .I can't even explain this pain it is when our love can't help but be red and no more then blood.These times have turned from truth to lies and this bond was so thick not even oil could pass through,but now the only thing holding it together is this fine strip of grass that connects to the earth this earth the last thing were connect to that keep our lasting bond together be us dead or alive it there and will never fade oh this tale of brought and lost is more then what anyone could have thought maybe if everything was as the old times would we be together without a heart break without losing those close to us or even breaking our ties breaking our minds and breaking the bond that shield our young ones eyes.Oh how I wish for the ties that bind us wouldn't be sever by time greatest of evils of our lives.May the 10 deadly sins never reach your heart before it destroy it may it never take over your minds may they not steal your soul and may your family become what important to you instead of just yourself.
    • Bad Spelling Bad Spelling x 1
    • Bad Grammar Bad Grammar x 1


    Posted By Wind | Jun 24, 2012
    #1

  2. Depressed

    butchiesmom JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    I think I like what you've posted but am having trouble reading it in the form you used. I have some editing suggestions for spelling, punctuation and other suggestions which could help but not change what you're saying here. Just putting it all together in one paragraph makes it difficult to read.
    I'll be happy to review it once you have a chance to go over it.
    Gail
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  3. Lurking

    MsJacquiiC Poetica Magnifique

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    Hi Wind. I tried reading this piece and was just too distracted by the spelling and grammar errors. Also - the formatting as one huge block of text doesn't really work for me. I suppose you could say that I like my poetry in short lines... Stanzaic form.

    You do have a solid voice though. It's just about formatting it on the page so that your audience can appreciate all that your voice IS saying.

    Thanks for the share just the same though.

    J.


    Posted By MsJacquiiC | Sep 17, 2012
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    MsJacquiiC Poetica Magnifique

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    I'm super-curious as to how you'd modify/remedy the issues with this piece Gail. I'm sure if you post the suggestions, it'll definitely be a benefit for Wind! Would you mind sharing please? Thanks!


    Posted By MsJacquiiC | Sep 17, 2012
    #4
  5. Depressed

    butchiesmom JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    I've made a few suggestions, corrected some spelling errors and hopefully, some grammar as well. I can't guarantee the punctuation will be much help but I tried, lol. I put your work in italics and my suggestions in bold. Any suggestions or corrections can be used or ignored. I just hope this helps.

    This time and that time and more then once our blood was a code and not it lost the times have changed the earth reshape the hearts redone and the minds have escaped.
    This time and that time and more than once our blood was a code and not it lost the times have changed the earth reshape the hearts redone and the minds have escaped. (?)


    The love we shared the time we had together where has it lead where has it gone and can it be rebuilt?
    The love we shared, the time we had together where has it lead, where has it gone and can it be rebuilt?

    Life is a bridge you must build yourself no one can help you and must have the tool for the things you need
    Life is a bridge you must build for yourself. No one can help you and must have the tools for the things you need.

    you must have the food to keep your strength up and you must have your mind set on where you want to go.
    You must have the food to keep your up strength and your mind set on where you want to go.

    If you built a bridge your going straight if your digging a hold your grave if you built a skyscraper your going up.
    If you built a bridge you're going straight. If you're digging a hole, your grave. If you built a skyscraper you're going up.

    But what happen when the ones we held dear no longer are close the ones who opinions hurt the most .
    But what happens when the ones we hold dear are no longer close, the ones whose opinions hurt the most.

    I can't even explain this pain it is when our love can't help but be red and no more then blood.
    I can't explain this pain. It is when our love can't help but be red (?) and no more then (than?) blood.

    These times have turned from truth to lies and this bond was so thick not even oil could pass through,
    These times have turned from truth to lies and this bond was so thick even oil could pass through.

    but now the only thing holding it together is this fine strip of grass that connects to the earth this earth the last thing were connect to that keep our lasting bond together be us dead or alive it there and will never fade
    But now the only thing holding it together is a fine strip of grass which connects us to the earth, this earth, the last thing which keeps our lasting bond together. Be we dead or alive it's there and will never fade

    oh this tale of brought and lost is more then what anyone could have thought
    Oh this tale of brought (?) and lost is more than what anyone could have thought

    maybe if everything was as the old times would we be together without a heart break without losing those close to us or even breaking our ties breaking our minds and breaking the bond that shield our young ones eyes.
    Maybe if everything was as the old times would we be together without a heartbreak, without losing those close to us or breaking our ties. breaking our minds and breaking the bond that shields our young ones eyes.

    Oh how I wish for the ties that bind us wouldn't be sever by time greatest of evils of our lives.
    Oh how I wish the ties that bind us wouldn't be severed by time greatest of evils of our lives.


    May the 10 deadly sins never reach your heart before it destroy it may it never take over your minds may they not steal your soul and may your family become what important to you instead of just yourself.
    May the 10 deadly sins never reach your heart before it (they) destroy(s) it. May it (they?) never take over your mind or steal your soul. May your family become what is important to you not just yourself.
    • Informative Informative x 1
  6. Depressed

    butchiesmom JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    Had a bit of trouble with the last part, so here it is again, lol.

    May the 10 deadly sins never reach your heart before it destroy it may it never take over your minds may they not steal your soul and may your family become what important to you instead of just yourself.

    May the 10 deadly sins never reach your heart before it (they) destroy(s) it. May it (they?) never take over your mind or steal your soul. May your family become what is important to you not just yourself.
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    MsJacquiiC Poetica Magnifique

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    That's a LOT of suggestions. Thanks for taking the time to post them. I hope this post is beneficial to Wind. I haven't seen Wind online since we reopened the site though...


    Posted By MsJacquiiC | Sep 26, 2012
    #7
  8. Spaced

    LE00EL New Member

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    Beautiful piece Wind...


    Posted By LE00EL | Aug 14, 2013
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  9. Confused

    Wind WindXSaul

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    Oh! Why thank you! I've been trying to improve my skills. Dear me I've been failing miserable though.
    But thank you so much!!


    Posted By Wind | Aug 14, 2013
    #9

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