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Discussion in 'Essays' started by butchiesmom, Feb 1, 2008.



  1. Depressed

    butchiesmom JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    Background: My family has a habit of negative thinking. My daughter and her exboyfriend are always in a tug of war over their 12 year old daughter (of whom he has custody over, and I agree it's good idea) Even though he tries to keep me out of it, she's always trying to pull me in. I'm writing this as a reaction to her latest attack against her ex (who has married...crazymamma5...my friend) leaving a message on my answering machine. It had me in tears, bad asthma attack and other exhausting problems. Those who know me know that I've been fighting ill-health for years now.

    This is finished. I still welcome input from anyone.

    Unapologetic

    Life is short, love is long. There’s no guarantee you’ll take that second breath after birth or live a long life. Since I’ve realized the above, holding a grudge isn’t worth the energy it takes to hold on to that initial anger. Loving takes less effort yet gives back so much more.

    I love you. If you’ve touched my life in any way or if I’ve touched yours, you have my love. I don’t care what you’ve said about me behind my back or, better yet, to my face, you still have my love. That will never change. It might have broken my heart and caused hours of tears or cries of “Why?” but the love is still there.

    It’s possible something I’ve said or done has caused you the same kind of anguish I’ve experienced. I’m sorry. Sorry for any hateful, thoughtless word or deed that has made your life harder to endure. Unfortunately, it might happen again before you’re standing by my coffin looking at the shell I’ve left behind. This isn’t a blanket apology for any future mistake I’ll make…it’s for the ones already made.

    No one goes through life without a few blemishes on their record. It’s how we learn, how we grow as a person. Ok, so I have a few gouges on mine. Anyway, that’s the past. I don’t know how much time I have left to enjoy my life and don’t want to spend the rest of it accounting for the past. I’ve apologized to those whom I’ve hurt the most. Everyone else…well, you know…read the above.

    I thought of placing names and deeds here. That it was time for those people to account for the pain and stress they’ve added to my life. But the thought that it might hurt their feelings brings me pain. I just can’t do it.

    With the above in mind, I’ve decided to makes some changes in my life. My health is bad and stress intensifies the symptoms making days sometimes unbearable. I need peace to heal. Those of you who have been asked to stay away, please don’t call, or try to visit. Your anger drains my energy. I’m tired of the tears; tired of the stress your crisis of the moment has caused me and my husband. He’s my anchor in this ocean of frustration and could use the peace your absence will afford.

    Please don’t call complaining or gossiping about another person I love or someone I haven't met yet. Let me form my opinions about them or their situation. If you have a problem, talk to him or her, not to me. I don’t repeat gossip and don’t appreciate you inflicting it on me. Stop trying to pull me into the middle of your vendetta.

    I read, somewhere, you teach people how you want them to treat you. The telephone line goes from your home as well as mine. There are two lanes on the road for a reason. I have feelings too. Please take the time to consider that when trying to make me feel guilty for not visiting or calling.

    There’s much more I could write but feel I would be wasting my time and paper. So I’ll close as I began. Life is short, love is long. I love you but refuse to allow you access to my life if you can not respect me. I’ve heard you must learn to love yourself before you can truly love someone else. I understand it now and hope someday you will too.


    Posted By butchiesmom | Feb 1, 2008
    #1

  2. Cool

    nomadicrhymer JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    Gail, I'm not sure where you are stuck. Do you have much more that you want to say, or did you want some particular message that isn't coming across...to be heard? It seems to me that you said what you wanted to say, said it well, and concluded it perfectly. That's my opinion. There are a few grammer "punctuation" things I would change if it were mine, but overall I think you did a good job getting it off your chest, and said it kindly and firmly.

    Nomad :yay:
  3. Depressed

    butchiesmom JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    I think my problem is not sure whether i'm finished or if i have more to say or if I should just shut up, lol. I tend to get wordy (just as my poor husband) and have actually taken a few things out, but come to think of it, I think it just needs a freakin summation and I can't think of it at the moment.

    I looked at the last paragraph (if you can call 2 sentences that) and think I just need a summation, lol. It's a miracle what a few minutes away from something can make, lol.
    hugs,
    Gail (punctuation is not my strong suit, lol)


    Posted By butchiesmom | Feb 1, 2008
    #3
  4. Artistic

    PaintedDiary JPiC Mentor

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    Dear Gail,

    :wow: This was a very emotional journey. I think many of us can relate and have an essay called "Unapologetic" on paper or in the diary of our minds. This was a true account that is very very heart warming. My heart goes out to you. One cannot read this just once, and reads like an anthem in many lives untold. This was mature, respectful, executed flawlessly, and all the while depicting a strong and firm stance. If I were the receiver, I would read this many times and learn from it. You are the teacher, and the lesson is one of the hardest to endure. I think you penned this exqisitely, and without judgment, and blame. It does have a hint of perhaps you have tried other methods with the person before, and the person may have listened for a bit, then was back with the same issues. This clearly lets the person know to simply and politely respect what you are requesting, and know also that they are still loved despite the past, and whatever unpleasantries were done or said before. Gail, in my humble opinion, I would not change a thing in this letter. I am sure you worked out the punc., and such, as I purley am writing this review based on content, and how my heart feels. Beautiful Gail...simply beautiful. Love ya!

    Kim :wub:
  5. Depressed

    butchiesmom JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    You and I have talked at length, so I know you understand the circumstances precipitating this. It was hard writing it knowing I'm probably going to give this to someone at one time. My thought was running toward those people would even recognize themselves in it, but I doubt it. I think this will be lost on them but it helps for me to get it off my chest, so to speak.

    I am making changes in my life because I do need to heal and that includes asking those who really can not change their negative thoughts or keep them to themselves, to please stay away and don't call. The biggest offender will be asked directly because that person just doesn't recognize subtle, lol.

    Thanks for commenting on this even though I was so excited about finishing it that I asked you to, lol. I do appreciate it. Like you said, there are a lot of people, here and in the world who are going through the same or similar circumstances. When do you finally say 'no' and start giving yourself the respect you need for a happy life?

    I hope this helps those people to decide and even if it doesn't I hope it gives those people who are like the ones targeted in this essay food for thought!

    lubya Sis
    Gail


    Posted By butchiesmom | Feb 3, 2008
    #5

    zaac Banned

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    here's your summation as it is mine as well.

    I never meant to cause you pain by words spoken in confusion. i was only trying to find my way to the end of the illusion...at least that’s the line as i wrote it. but when I cleared away the opaque tendrils of illusion's remnants, I found that i was worthy as a person, I did not need to be justified or vindicated. i simply need to rest and heal from all the times I picked up the pieces of others peoples lives, partly in a feeble insecure attempt to feel better about myself, only to find a few shards of my own heart and dignity intermingled; and having said in as genteel a way as possible too many times....if you're not here to be positive or add benefit to my life, then don't be surprised at how these behaviors are greeted in the future. I meant what I said.

    Do not see me as vindictive, see me as tired of following after people, fixing their problems whilst ignoring mine, to my detriment and at times, denigration...see me as realizing for the first time in life, and with a huge smile and sigh of relief, that there are some people in life you just don't need and you, insert name ,are one of those people.

    An aside...does it ever puzzle you how jealous people can be when, in reality, if they knew where you had had to walk and fall and stumble and rise again, they would have their lips sewn closed for everyone’s benefit?

    The essence of your hearts words should read: step away from the light, it is not for you. Had it been, you would have accepted it a long time ago from me at the very least, as a way of avoiding stumbling or a flame to simply warm cold stiff hands by. Step away from the light, it is not for you. It is the light that now shines on me, for in my darkest day I lent a hand, only to be laughed at and wiled away in idle conversations. Step away from the light, because this one belongs to me. Say nothing; on the day you see my mantle shining...on the day you see the sinew and muscle of my spirit flex in the sun...say nothing. Know in your heart that through your lack of compassion and cruelty and sickness of the heart, you have had a hand in forming each and every fiber of who I am today. Do not wonder how my teeth became so strong and deadly, for it was on the gristle, bone and marrow of your thoughtlessness I fed myself and honed them. As for now, have a care for yourself. Even a fool knows better than to corner a wounded animal, even one with a soul.

    If you are so brazen as to say anything at all, make sure it reflects your realization that in tearing me down or being an obstacle, you were the vehicle that made yourself obsolete, and know that in that moment, you will not be able to camouflage the things you try to hide the most...your fear and shame. If I was something other than who I say I am, I would exact vengeance in ways that you never knew existed. But if you consider it, who, in their right mind would treat badly the source of all their strength determination and guile? How could I look you in the eye and say you were are a bad thing, when you are part what made me the person I am; whose old soul's shadow falls long and deep over your quaking heart? Thankfully for me, I have a faith that says, where I could not make the grade, and no one else would, the difference was paid for me in full, by the source whose power illuminates my night and by grace allowed you to live for the chance to see the light and step into it. You will find me there when life’s winds grows cold.



    As for my spirit, forgiveness reigns, and though it hurts for a moment, I know a day is coming where I will stand in fields of green strong in the shoulder, having nothing left for you but love, for you have destroyed anything else. and as you turn to walk away, you will know beyond all doubt that kindness does not translate to weakness. What you saw as a bumbling mess with no direction or hope you, now must see for the fortitude and power you helped build. Yes, these teeth are razor sharp and it is nothing more than a reflex now to use them. My claws dig deep in the earth as I run, claws sharpened on the grit of my own despair. The breath that fueled sobs and wailing in depths you cannot imagine is the same breathe that will carry me across countless miles to you when I see you fall, my heart being pierced by the sensation of being lost forever that chokes your screams into silence. The sound of helplessness is one I know well. It is the same breath, now even and steady, calm and tireless, coming from behind jaws that could crush you without a thought...it brings you words that say, i am only a human as you, and if I can be forgiven, then it follows that forgiveness should be the law of the land. But, like kindness, do not mistake forgiveness for weakness. Out of all the mistakes you have made, that would be most aggregious and an unhealthy lifestyle to assume as a general rule. Just because the true power of a human soul be bruised or battered, does not mean it cannot annihilate you on a moment's notice. It is simply that in the face of all that is holy and as a result of it, I choose not to.

    As for me, my faith will carry me home. And when you are trying to lift tear streaked eyes to me that somehow just cannot, then at least have the presence of mind to take the hand outstretched that seeks to raise you up. If you cannot find your faith, take some of mine. After all...you helped build it. And in poetry's most tender justice, find that your attempts to strike my heart glancing harmlessly off the smile of the Master, at whose feet we both will sit.

    Where soft showers of forgiveness fall, the thundering footsteps of divinity are heard.

    zaac


    Posted By zaac | Feb 3, 2008
    #6
  6. Depressed

    butchiesmom JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    What he said! Thanks, zaac, for taking the time to give your interpretation of what I said and then your own version.

    I think every family has someone like this at one time or another. I've been told to act, not react and I'm trying to do just that.

    Thanks for taking the time to read and then comment on my essay. I do appreciate it!
    hugs,
    Gail


    Posted By butchiesmom | Feb 3, 2008
    #7

    zaac Banned

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    no problem...have words, will write, especially where truth is concerned.

    zaac


    Posted By zaac | Feb 3, 2008
    #8

    crazymamma5 angelic mamma

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    You already know how i feel about your essay, but am writing this review just to let everybody else who reads this know.
    I absolutely loved it!!!! I love the way that you ended it and the small changes that were made since I read it last week. It just flows so smoothly and expresses everything that you are feeling.
    To all that read this and are wondering about the situation that made her write this....it is complicated and has been hard to deal with for everybody involved. I have been there for some of the really bad times that Gail has had because of what has been said or done by the person in question. To see the hurt not only in Gail's eyes, but in my stepdaughters eyes is so hard to bear on the heart. We love Gail and are here for her in every way, she is right we are trying to keep her out of things that she can't do anything about. Its not worth causing her to have problems, but the other person doesn't see it and I'm afraid to say that we will be to blame when she is told to stay away. Oh well.


    Posted By crazymamma5 | Feb 3, 2008
    #9
  7. Depressed

    butchiesmom JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    She's right but it's the pain in my granddaughter's eyes which is so hard to me to endure. It amazes me that a child of mine could have the capacity for so much viciousness! But, then again, isn't everyone capable of that if he/she feels pushed to it? I don't know. The thought of creating such pain in someone else is simply unbearable for me.

    Thank you, Rach, for taking the time to comment on this. I know you didn't have to explain it, but you are also caught in the middle of this tug of war, as well. The adults can fend for themselves, it's the children's pain which breaks my heart.

    love you,
    Gail
  8. Depressed

    butchiesmom JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    I should point out my daughter has some mental problems, which she uses frequently when pushed for explanations for her extreme behavior. She is a user and has burned quite a few bridges behind her. One of them, unfortunately, is her daughter.
    Gail

    crazymamma5 angelic mamma

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    Unfortunately that is true her granddaughter has been hurt to many times for her to be able to handle at her age because of her mother. So to anybody that reads this essay and thinks that Gail is being strange for saying stay away to her own daughter just sit back and think about the little girl who is also getting hurt because she doesn't understand why her grammy is so sick after her mother has been around.

    love ya too Gail

    zaac Banned

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    it would seem that life's objective of destroying innocence and the forces that protect it extend to annihilating hope and replacing it with fear.

    z


    Posted By zaac | Feb 4, 2008
    #13
  9. Depressed

    butchiesmom JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    Would you please interpret that for us, lol. I'm not sure what you just said, lol.

    zaac Banned

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    i meant that nothing is sacred, including the hearts and minds of the most innocent of souls...our children. when i hear things like this, and having the only child i ever will, my blood boils. i don't understand how one can look at a child who is not only a gift, but perhaps our last chance at redemption for our own aggression and outright stupidity in life, and and still manage to screw that up. children, unlike used cars, are not an issue i can personally sit back and say, gee how sad. thats what i meant. it amazes me that God, even with his infinite patience, grace, and mercy hasnt wiped us from existence based on sheer disgust.

    zaac


    Posted By zaac | Feb 4, 2008
    #15

    crazymamma5 angelic mamma

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    i understand where u are coming from in that respect. we are a blended family- one is his,two are mine and two are ours, but we are a very happy family. i am the closest thing to a mother my stepdaughter has- i consider her my own. just as my husband considers my two kids to be his, since he is the only father they know. i get upset when people have kids and treat them like they don't want them especially when there is people in this world who can't have kids but want them. so i definitely agree with what u said.
  10. Depressed

    butchiesmom JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    Yes, it's hard to understand how adults can abuse or ignore children but it happens. I'm fortunately my granddaughter has 3 woman (Racheul, myself and Racheul Mom) who cares for her. I'm hopeful, someday, my daughter will wake up and realize what she's doing wrong and honestly try to make amends but not holding my breath.

    Gail
  11. Cool

    nomadicrhymer JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    That's a really sad situation for the child. If she has mental problems (along with drug use), isn't there something you can do to gain custody away from her? Although I'm sure you've both tried everything you can already. I can't count the times I've seen women (sorry, but I haven't run across any men yet, though they must be out there) treat their children terrible just to hurt the other people who love that child.

    zaac...that was an awesome summation! Couldn't have said it better, although I have to say that I, very mercifully, have no one in my life (so far) like the character being discussed here. I am praying that it stays that way.

    Nomad
  12. Depressed

    butchiesmom JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    I'm sorry to say my daughter has used the mental health system to fulfill her own needs and have been gathering speed in burning bridges behind her. She's been in the state hospital here, she's used people until they've had enough of it and when confronted, blames it on her mental illness or someone else. It took me years to finally realize that by bending over backwards to help her I took away her chance to develop true independence. (If that makes sense.)

    Fortunately, my daughter doesn't have custody of her daughter, her exboyfriend does. Crazymamma5, his wife, has been trying to cope with the aftereffects of each visit my granddaughter has with her mother. It's hard for someone outside looking in to understand what's going on but even harder for those of us who are knee deep in it.

    Like water under the bridge, there's always more under the surface than what you can see. My daughter, like powerful undercurrents, constantly tries to pull me under. I've been treading water for a very long time and am tired. In order for me to heal, I need to get rid of the stress she causes with each crisis. That's why I wrote this.

    hugs,
    Gail

    Altree94 VIP Member

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    Well said, Gail!!!!
    Another lady finally standing up for herself and telling it straight!
    You make me feel so proud of you!
    - Tree.


    Posted By Altree94 | Feb 16, 2008
    #20

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