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Discussion in 'Emotional Romantic' started by PaintedDiary, Nov 11, 2006.



  1. Artistic

    PaintedDiary JPiC Mentor

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    There used to be a time
    when only your smile brightened my day,
    now your used to my smile,
    in every way.

    There used to be a time
    people would smile at us,
    as we walked down a street together,
    now we walk down separate paths,
    like sister and brother.

    There used to be a time
    when love conquered all,
    and eased my pain,
    now the love is used up,
    no more sunshine; only rain.

    There used to be a time
    you would hold me close,
    tell me you love me,
    and every problem would disappear,
    now only your lies I fear.

    There used to be a time
    when you were true,
    God knows I loved you,
    stuck by you,
    and would do anything for you.

    There will be a time
    when you think back and remember,
    when I used to say I love you,
    and shed a tear, not for one,
    but for us two.

    Since you again
    have found someone new,
    please do not come back for me,
    the person you have only used.

    drofdar New Member

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    Excellently written Kim, I like how you used manipulation as a key theme in this one...not many people can write something about manipulation and make it sound like music to the eyes and mind. I hits deep and truthful and really shows how evil manipulation is. Again excellently done and keep it up!!

    Ed


    Posted By drofdar | Nov 11, 2006
    #2

    erikestabrook JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    I liked this, it draws you in,
    seems very real too

    Abae New Member

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    Know that pain..........great write.


    Posted By Abae | Nov 11, 2006
    #4
  2. Artistic

    PaintedDiary JPiC Mentor

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    Thank you Ed, Erik, and Abae for taking precious time to read and for your encouraging comments. Yes, this is very real. I thought that I would not post, cuz it is an "elementary" write so to speak, and I thought about spicing it up. When I started to do that, I realized, "simple" is better for this piece. Again, thank you so much. Take care.

    Painted

    Sartor JPiC Contributor

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    The melancoly of a deserted love is always an emotional subject to write about. What once was is now a "Used to be" can be heart wrenching. I enjoyed your writing and wish you well.
    Sartor


    Posted By Sartor | Nov 13, 2006
    #6
  3. Artistic

    PaintedDiary JPiC Mentor

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    Thank you so much Sartor for taking time to read and then comment. Yes, been down the road, and it is heart wrenching. However, many lessons were learned. Your comment was most inspiring, and I thank you again!! Take Care.

    Painted

    Amzy A friend, Well met.

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    Not bad, Painted Kim, not bad at all. Your style works quite well for this beautifully melonchaly piece. There are two spots that detract from the great content, however. The repetition of the word streets is one, you have enough repetition in the first line of each stanza, don't abuse it.
    There are enough close synonyms for "street".

    The second, is here:
    As the only verse with the abbbb rhyme scheme, it interrupts the flow.


    Posted By Amzy | Nov 14, 2006
    #8
  4. Artistic

    PaintedDiary JPiC Mentor

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    Thank you so much for taking precious time to read and comment Amzy. Yes, I see very much where this can be distracting!! I will work on this today!!!! Then I hope you come back, and give an ok.....thanks....Take Care. I just wrote this in about 5 minutes, and not giving any though to flow, and structure. Thank you for bringing this to my attention.

    Painted Kim

    zaac Banned

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    i like this...it has a melancholy yet mature and sadder but wiser sense to it.

    zaac


    Posted By zaac | Nov 24, 2006
    #10
  5. Artistic

    PaintedDiary JPiC Mentor

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    Thank you Zaac for taking precious time to read and comment. It touched on some experiences shared by many. Thank you again.

    KIM ;)
  6. twinklewriter Guest

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    Ouch, I loved the read, it was sad, felt this pain...and of course the ending was great...a good decission...Hugs, Twinks
  7. Artistic

    PaintedDiary JPiC Mentor

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    Thank you Twinks for taking time to read and comment. Yes, a very good decision was made!!

    ~*Painted*~ ;)
  8. Cool

    nomadicrhymer JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    Sad but straightforward...I felt both the melancholy and the resolution...great write!

    Nomad
  9. Lurking

    MsJacquiiC Poetica Magnifique

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    This piece does speak so maturely... Learned actually. It's powerful though - To have the ability to say "NO - I refuse to be used by you.......Again!" It's like a realization that you have the power to make your NO! actually NO!

    Simply put KIM - Well done!

    Jacquii.


    Posted By MsJacquiiC | Mar 8, 2007
    #15

    athlone www.poetrypages4u.com

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    Hi PD, in many ways this reminds me of the song "What A Difference A Day Makes". It's funny how one moment we can be so madly in love that nothing is impossible and we can never imagine being out of love....And then the whole world turns upside down and you can't understand what went wrong. C'est la vie!


    Posted By athlone | Mar 8, 2007
    #16

    Curtis Spider Lee Curtis Spider Lee

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    Can I get an AMEN on this poem?! You did not miss a beat on this one and it states alot for that wanna-be-player! Nicely Done Kim!
  10. Artistic

    PaintedDiary JPiC Mentor

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    Thank you Spider for finding this one, taking precious time to read, and commenting. I didn't think I did either, hehehehehehe. Thanks again, seems we all have been there before, or know someone who has. Take Care Spider.

    {{{~~**KIM**~~}}};)2

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