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Discussion in 'Creative Traditional' started by mermaidsong, Mar 23, 2008.



    mermaidsong New Member

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    VISITS
    Her heart was so empty
    When he was away.
    Her days were so dreary
    When he couldn’t stay.

    Oh, life was unjust,
    Oh, life never fair.
    To wish for more moments,
    She just couldn’t dare.

    He came only briefly
    To visit his wife.
    That wasn’t enough, no.
    It cut like a knife.

    To no longer kiss him
    Or feel his embrace.
    No arms wrapped around her,
    No stroking his face.

    At least when he entered,
    She’d feel him around.
    She knew he was watching,
    Not making a sound.

    And if she was lucky
    He’d make himself seen
    And stand somewhere near her
    But not intervene.

    It’s all that she lived for,
    These moments so few.
    It’s all that she lived for,
    These moments that flew.

    And then he’d be gone
    In the blink of an eye,
    And a breeze through her hair
    Was how he’d say good bye.

    It’s his way of saying
    That he loves her still.
    It’s his way of trying
    To tell her until...

    Until they’re together,
    Forever again.
    He’s giving her patience
    To wait until then.

    ¤Me¤ New Member

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    Gosh, this reminded me of this book I read ! Anyway, nice poem. It's kept packed tight into itself and carried it on so that the next few lines take you a bit by surprise. In the ending you can see that it ends, and won't go asking why the words stopped appearing, but it still lets you wonder what will happen next ;) Good. Thanks for sharing this :).


    Posted By ¤Me¤ | Mar 23, 2008
    #2

    mermaidsong New Member

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    Thanks you so much for taking the time to read my poem. I really appreciate your kind words :) This is one of my favorites so I thought it would be a nice one as my first post. Thanks again.

    Francisca
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    MsJacquiiC Poetica Magnifique

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    Hmmm - this is interesting read actually - I'm not too terribly crazy about the rhyme scheme (my tastes are abstract as can be so don't mind that...) BUT I am loving the story quality of this write - to me it seems that two lovers who are destined to be - simply cannot get synonymous with each other just at the moment - so the "visits" are relegated to little meetings every now-and-then --- Perhaps even in dreams... Yes - This poem reminds me of a dream I had just recently. Actually it sounds like the story of my life, as it seems I'm forced to be away (not see) the one that I love most - and your following stanza just made my soul lurch a little bit... Gave me pause because the sentiments are so strong, yet it just...........can't be...

    He came only briefly
    To visit his wife.
    That wasn’t enough, no.
    It cut like a knife.


    The thing I really like about this poem though is that there is a lingering hope. Hope that one day we will be united again and free..........................to simply LOVE!

    Nice write MERMAID --- Excuse my rambling - but I do that sometimes when a poem has stirred me like yours has. Thanx for sharing it!

    At anyrate - I thought of you yesterday when I was adding images to GreetingsGalleryOnline.com - I found some very nice mermaid pics - You may be interested in registering your FREE account and sending e-Cards to your family & friends.

    Anyway - for you - A nice pic - Reminds me of why the lingering hope you allude to in your poem is so very important! Enjoy ;)

    [IMG]


    Posted By MsJacquiiC | Mar 24, 2008
    #4

    mermaidsong New Member

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    Thank you! I absolutely love the mermaid art! It's so beautiful :yay: I appreciate the feedback as well. I am honored that you enjoyed it. I plan on studying different rhyme styles so that I can stretch myself. I have about two styles that my brain likes to think in when I write poetry and I'd like to branch out. I enjoyed the section on the site that is dedicated to this. Let's see what happens :)

    Thanks again,
    Francisca
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    MsJacquiiC Poetica Magnifique

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    You're very welcome - It's a heartfelt write and I did enjoy it immensely - and yep - was just gonna suggest the Types of Poetry section. There's some AWESOME styles listed there - so happy hunting and enjoy ;)

    Jacquii.

    ps - Glad you like the mermaid pic - It's a special one!


    Posted By MsJacquiiC | Mar 24, 2008
    #6

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