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    Hello Guest | Welcome To Jacquii's Poetry in Color Forum


    JPiC Forum for Writers is an online community exclusively dedicated to the share of poetry and writing. As a continuing work-in-progress, our poetry forums host a melange of writing with new additions being posted daily. We encourage you to right now and come join us in our celebration of diversity with the typed word!


  1. Cool

    nomadicrhymer JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    I am soft nourishing rain
    in the desert of your soul
    I am a steady light
    where darkness once had hold
    I am warming fire
    where once you were cold

    I am sustaining breath
    that caresses your sweet skin
    I am determination
    encouraging you to win
    I am bread and honey
    staving off your famine

    I am a shining star
    to your lost ship at night
    I am promising rainbow
    bringing pleasure to your sight
    I am a drop of sunshine
    awakening memories to light

    I am the newly sung song
    that causes you to hum
    I am the strong hand
    beating boldly on your drum
    I am the missing half
    that makes up "you and me"
    I am simple bliss
    your love, your all – you see

    ©nomadicrhymer

    erikestabrook JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    this flowed great,
    and was great with metaphors vast and i like the not holding back and follwing through iwth one concept
  2. Cool

    nomadicrhymer JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    Thanks for reading, Erik!! Appreciate the comments!

    Nomad

    erikestabrook JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    yw

    Sartor JPiC Contributor

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    Nomad......I enjoyed your poetry. It reads and flows well. There are a couple of lines I think changing would improve your poem. They are as follows:

    I am biscuits and honey
    To stave off your famine

    I suggest:
    I am bread and honey
    Staving off your hunger


    I am the strong hand
    Beating boldly on your drum

    I suggest:
    I am strong hand to start
    Wild pounding of your heart


    I am the missing half
    Created to make "you and me"
    I am simple bliss
    Your love, your all – you see

    I suggest:
    I am the missing half
    That make up "you and me"
    I am simple bliss
    For you, your all – you see

    Just a few thoughts to be pondered a bit by you, as some suggested help to improve your write. I like the form, which opriginated in ancient Scotland, I believe.


    Posted By Sartor | Mar 10, 2007
    #5
  3. Cool

    nomadicrhymer JPiC Premium VIP Member

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    Thanks Sartor! Indeed I had no idea that it was an actual form, since it just ended up this way, but I must have had it in my thoughts from reading similar poetry. In that case I need to make sure the 3rd stanza is uniform as well. ;)

    pondering changes...I have done a couple and seeing if I like the other. Thanks for reading, commenting and taking the time to peruse and critique so thoroughly...appreciate it!

    Nomad

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