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    Terry New Member

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    I found my place under the stars,
    Of the beautiful night sky.
    Relaxing in the thought of you,
    With a twinkle in my eye.

    I wondered if you were seeing,
    The beauty of the moon.
    And if tonight in your mind,
    Played a lovers tune.

    I closed my eyes and drifted,
    With the calmness of my night.
    Feeling you here beside me,
    Pleasant thoughts to invite.

    You found your place in my heart,
    And now for you, it's screaming.
    This is what we truly call..
    Wide awake dreaming.


    Posted By Terry | Nov 18, 2006
    #1

    ~Serenity~ ~Pixie Princess~

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    Hiya Terry!
    What a very pretty piece you have here =) It's a very calm kinda read and invites some very nice images. I would get rid of the two .'s on the end of the first line though... It interrupts the flow. But, this piece was a joy to read =) Wonderful write!
    Smiles!,
    ~Serenity~


    Posted By ~Serenity~ | Nov 20, 2006
    #2

    Terry New Member

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    You know, I have never noticed that until now. No one has ever brought that to my attention, thank you. Reading it again after your comment, I do see where it causes hesitation in the flow. Wow, I can't believe I've never noticed that.

    Thank you for the kind words ~Serenity~


    Posted By Terry | Nov 20, 2006
    #3

    Jeez Banned

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    There have been day,
    hours, moments that:

    Then 'm dreaming all the time,
    who knew??

    Thanks for the read.


    Posted By Jeez | Nov 21, 2006
    #4

    zaac Banned

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    this is nice. i might change a couple small things to make it flow more smoothly.

    {Played a lovers tune.} -- It's probably a good idea to place the You at the beginning of this line. I'm not necessarily complaining about grammar, but who you're referring to needs to be reiterated since this whole stanza is one sentence and you describe two different scenarios.

    {Feeling you here beside me,
    Pleasant thoughts to invite.} -- I know what you meant here, but the way it's said made me have to go back and read it again, which broke the flow and made it feel awkward. If my brain was working poetically right now, i could give you a suggestion of how to get the point of this line across in a different way.

    --In the last stanza, I don't like the word screaming at all. It's almost like you picked the word because it rhymed with dreaming. It is a very gently romantic piece and that word really puts a loud negative tone to it...kind of like beethoven with some Black Sabbath riffs in the middle.

    It is a nice poem. These are just suggestions, so take them or leave them.

    zaac


    Posted By zaac | Nov 24, 2006
    #5

    Terry New Member

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    Thanks zaac, I appreciate the feedback.
    I understand what you're saying and I will take it into consideration.
    I can also see where you would think the word screaming is there only because it went so well with dreaming, but it has more meaning to me...as in the desire I had for this person, screaming out for him..but yeah, I certainly see your point.

    I do like the comparsion you used..
    'kind of like beethoven with some Black Sabbath riffs in the middle'

    Thanks for reading.

    ~Terry


    Posted By Terry | Nov 25, 2006
    #6

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